Thursday, July 19, 2018

"Welcome Home"

"Welcome Home (Sanitarium)"

"Welcome Home (Sanitarium)" is what I listen to when I'm really sad, angry, frustrated. Eventually, it makes me feel better.

Do you ever realize that your life is shit and it just never seems to get better? Nothing I do ... ever works. Sometimes I think things are starting to turn but then, something happens ... or someone ... and they say they can or will help, but they never really do. What's worse, they make things worse than they were before. There was a time when I thought it was going to be better, or at least OK. But it's not.

I don't often detail my problems, and it's hard to know how much to say. I want/need some privacy but I need help. I don't know anyone who can or will help. I know my fucking family won't help me. I don't think my friends can help. I'm trying to get SSI, I can't work. My mind is so "somewhere else" that I can't concentrate. It's so hard to try to write. I mean a book. Ever since the cancer, the right words don't want to come. It's too muddy. I want to do things, I want to write. I need (and I do mean NEED) things, money, to survive. I wanted to create a GoFundMe campaign, but I don't have any income, so I don't even have a freaking bank account or credit/debit card, and they require one. Some people owe me money (I did NOT lend them money) that I'll never see.

It's so frustrating. There are things that I need to do, and I can't physically do them. It's a matter of my health, and my sanity, but what do I do? If I'd known my new caregiver/assistant was blowing smoke up my ass, it would have been easier to deal with a month ago, but she said she knew people who could help. So I waited for the help that never came, and never comes. Now, it's 100+ degree days, and I can't sleep. How would I possibly have the energy to do things, move furniture, etc., when I can barely get off the couch, and I am exhausted from the heat and lack of sleep?

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!! I need help!